Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?

Me: …

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]

Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse

g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?

me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

spot the difference

Me: You’re getting so tall!

Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.

Me: …Oh.

Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.

Me:

Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.

me: I stand corrected

chiropractor: you’re welcome

*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.

*Returns to couch.

*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.

Facebook marketplace is a different world

girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??

texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe

Recycling bottles.

Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest

Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*

I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

Some of y’all tomorrow …

you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer

i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now

Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.

My dad: you know how you Love Christmas

12 yo me: yes

My dad: How would you feel about two of them

dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.