Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.

Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.

[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

Cold.

KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist

I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.

Hear me out:

Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.

This is where we’re at, people.

When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely

My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name

[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens

The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.

ME: I’m anti-murder

MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day

[job interview]

My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar

The government: You’re hired

The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.

Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup

Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.

[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please

Sober me:

It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.

Drunk me:

A urinal! *pees in sink*

Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.