Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: lol THAT’S your sword?

enemy: this blade can cut through steel

me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?

*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*

No YOU’RE not worded correctly.

[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone

I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.

Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?

What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA

My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.

tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

he looks great for his age

He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.

HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain

ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea

“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.

It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.

Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.

I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department

Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?

It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.

…żyje?

I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.

The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’

Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.

Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body

[first time skydiving]

Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*

Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet