Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest

Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?

Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up

Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter

W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???

M: Nah he can’t read

Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!

[8 years later]

Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.

i guess his teacher was really pissed

Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.

I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!

Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10

I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.

[1800s]

Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise

Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought

My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.

Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.

I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.

WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer

NETFLIX: Are you still watching?

Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.

The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.

[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]

I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.

My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.

I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.

my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing