Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again

My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.

Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?

*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?

my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors

I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000

Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window

My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.

My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?

Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.

The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate

I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.

There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.

Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had

sigh

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”

If I had two brownies, I’d give you one

little corner off of one

judge: do u swear to tell the truth

me: dare

judge: what

me: i choose dare instead

judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal

Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.

can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

[First day as a beaver]

Me: Dam.

Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.

Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”

Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”

💀

Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad