Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a crime scene photographer]

me: pretty weak lighting in here

*drags the corpse outside*

*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*

Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*

My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.

[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas

“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”

– literally no one ever

I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working

So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?

*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*

*Hears sound in the middle of the night*

Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.

Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.

Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…

1995: …leave it, toilets are gross

Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW

If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking

[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]

little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶

no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside

My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.

Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!

7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.

just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.

Me: Good idea.

[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]

who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.

Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.