Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.

He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us

My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high

he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff

A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged

Please bear with my nonsense…

…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.

This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.

cashier: have a nice day

me: i got other plans, buddy

Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said

My mother’s maiden name is Password.

[sermon]

There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*

Did you get that psychic damage I sent you

bert: i want a divorce

wife: are u…

bert: don’t

wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?

Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.

*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project

Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.

[first day in hell]

Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!

Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing

Satan: HAHAH- what?

Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy

Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?

Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.

Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.

Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.

confronts reality

pokes it in the eye

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE

Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?

Dad: Well it’s in my blood

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree