*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
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In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.