*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
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Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats