Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[date]

Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?

Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.

Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!

DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*

Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin

[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]

Me: What?

I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.

Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill

psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”

If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.

When a kid is mean to my kid…

(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness

(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS

No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”

what is this, a family reunion?!

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town

me: but if you were, what bus would you take

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.

“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”

(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.

An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real

23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.

Henry Ford: Yes, sir.

Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*

Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.

Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

*Scrolls TL*

Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!

*sips juicebox*

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.

Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag

Him: sir this is a food bank

Me: put all the broccoli in the bag

The walk of shame:

When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.

My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.