*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
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I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
*puts my mental health in rice
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”