Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.

What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.

MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.

This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder

Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement

The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble

Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.

I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣

FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.

BABY: {saying first word} Mama.

FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.

Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.

lmfao come on

I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.

When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking

wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.

Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.

shut up and take my money

Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?

ME: Actually I think it was-

*cat makes throat slice gesture*

-the wind

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.

[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.

It’s kids. I have kids.

Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.

Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car