*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
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If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine