*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
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[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.