Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything

Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*

One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely

wife: omg what are you doing?

me: wrapping presents

wife:

me:

wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!

THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing

The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.

as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..

Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am

Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are

Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907

So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.

Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.

[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it

I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.

My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever

My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.

Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?

I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.

It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis