*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
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she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.