Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?

Me: He has moved on to a better place.

Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!

Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.

I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants

GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern

“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break

I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.

I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!

Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.

Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.

Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.

Instructor: Welcome to class.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

when mom throws a party…

Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?

Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?

The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours

Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself

THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog

ME: Ok

[next week]

THERAPIST: Well?

ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog

Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes

Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

google: please stop

me: more frogs with teeth

My daughter asked why I drink so much beer

I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol

I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally

Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

Cop: I’m going in, cover me!

Me:*speed knits blanket*