Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
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Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
I take pride in the fact that I have never played Candy Crush. I don’t need that addiction! *snorts Twitter*
Ed Sheeran: Darling, I will be loving you ’til we’re 70…
What girls hear: You’re gonna dump me at 71.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
I wish I had a balcony to be dramatic and half naked on.