@AnOrangeSNES

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

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@Chhapiness

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

@JohnHilsen

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

@fire2sweet

I take pride in the fact that I have never played Candy Crush. I don’t need that addiction! *snorts Twitter*

@Ivsy01

Ed Sheeran: Darling, I will be loving you ’til we’re 70…

What girls hear: You’re gonna dump me at 71.

@IamJackBoot

You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.

@spacewizard_t

“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”

“Oh. CrossFit?”

“No. Gambling.”

@geowizzacist

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

@Parkerlawyer

My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.

@wumother

Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?

@AbleLikes

I wish I had a balcony to be dramatic and half naked on.