Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?

The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.

Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..

[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave

If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”

Wiggle is the best of all rooms.

ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that

I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*

Cashier: you must be single?

Me: yes, lol. How did you know?

Cashier: you’re ugly.

[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.

Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.

Me: I love eating nerds

Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)

Me: no, not that kind.

Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.

I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.

Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?

Me: I don’t know, CAN you?

*High-fives high school English teacher*

I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.

Jail

here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever

CLIENT: how much do u charge?

YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf

CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?

YOU: 3 dollars

CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!

My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.

That woman has no sense of humour.