Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
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I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry