Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment

Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs

If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?

Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.

entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it

When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas

Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.

It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!

I bought a metal detector.

Beach better have my money.

When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.

It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.

You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

Trees to oxygen:

“Pfft. Waste product.”

Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.

Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.

Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.

[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible

Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.

WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!

“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”

Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.

“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.

“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs

My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?