Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
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Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
You can’t scare me; you’re not my credit card bill
Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi