Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies

Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows

Parts of a worm:
1) Worm

[my first day as a bank teller]

guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal

me: i’ll need to see some ID sir

guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID

me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?

guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery

me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?

People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete

watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person

how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

The elephant is my spirit animal.

1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms

Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon

I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive

Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol

Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.

Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.

Dude t-rex: 😑

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”

“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”

“It’s my carrion.”

Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?

Client: sadly no. Just you.

Me:

Client: I didn’t mean it like that!

there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness

omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.

I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow

“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”

“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”

“You’re missing the point.”

“That’s the idea!”

I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.

waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined

me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money

How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

She should play the lottery too !

“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it

Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?