[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]

My Financial Advisor:

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Biden: We need theme music when we walk into a room

Obama: Joe be professional




Dear women married to homophobic racist adult males:

Nice ass.



me: I’ll have the salad

waiter: any fruit in the salad?

me: mandarin please

waiter: my apologies sir, 沙拉里有水果?


garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move


Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:

They shrink everyone on earth on purpose

The planet will never run out of resources

Everyone is eaten by ants


I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed


me: (11 pm) 😴

me: (1 am) 😴

me: (3 am) 😴

me: (5 am) 😴

me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!


HER: sharks can smell blood from miles away

ME: *flossing for the first time in months* lock the door


Forget filters, just tell everyone you’re ten years older than you are and bam you’re gorgeous.


If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.