Biden: We need theme music when we walk into a room
Obama: Joe be professional
Biden: STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON, CRAZY MOTHER-
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Dear women married to homophobic racist adult males:
me: I’ll have the salad
waiter: any fruit in the salad?
me: mandarin please
waiter: my apologies sir, 沙拉里有水果?
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
HER: sharks can smell blood from miles away
ME: *flossing for the first time in months* lock the door
Forget filters, just tell everyone you’re ten years older than you are and bam you’re gorgeous.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.