*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
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Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
For anyone who needs this today
I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it