Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!

We just died…

AND WE LIKED IT!!!

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.

My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family

These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich

“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”

– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows

on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat

in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice

Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*

Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back

Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no

Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!

Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.

Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.

Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.

Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.

I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.

Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…

[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.

Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan

Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.

Wife: Congratulations.

[2 hours later]

Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.

A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow

nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws