Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny. It was my newt.

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…

Except I don’t do housework.

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig

BAND: Thank God! Finally!

MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster

[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.

Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.

pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are

*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings

My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore

Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.

ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness

waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this

Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers

Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.

December has 5 Saturdays.

FIVE.

That November salary will be fighting for its life.

kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.

I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.

I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.

I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?

they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo

Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.

I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)

I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.

Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.