@BigFatNothing

*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.

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@MehrangizC

I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.

@ghostkrogh

every time i think i’ve met the perfect girl it’s three raccoons in a trench coat who rob me again

@SamGrittner

DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti

@bfrosty04

Vicodin and Scotch. When you absolutely, positively need to wake up underneath your neighbor’s swing-set.

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

@purch_s

Buy an aquarium. Don’t buy fish. Tell guests there are fish. Enjoy time spent not having to talk to guests while they look for fish.

@TheToddWilliams

[algebra class]

KID: This is so stupid

TEACHER: You may need it in your job

KID: What job?

TEACHER: …

KID: …

TEACHER: Algebra teacher?

@chuuew

WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into

ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich