I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
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A bad analogy is like a cucumber
every time i think i’ve met the perfect girl it’s three raccoons in a trench coat who rob me again
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
MORMON ELECTION GAME: Every time Romney becomes president, drink.
Vicodin and Scotch. When you absolutely, positively need to wake up underneath your neighbor’s swing-set.
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.
CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Buy an aquarium. Don’t buy fish. Tell guests there are fish. Enjoy time spent not having to talk to guests while they look for fish.
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich