Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe

My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

universe: you deserve a break

me: wow thanks

universe: *winks*

me: *tumbles down the stairs*

My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now

Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true

Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.

Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?

Wedding Planner: what

Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*

It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.

[Science Meeting, 1924]

Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check

“Let’s do it”

Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps

My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.

Relationships are easy as pie!

*burns pie*

Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:

1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard

Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family

Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.

13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.

Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.

I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba

me: you’re killing it

my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say

Me: *disappears for a few weeks*

Friends: *No concern*

Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*

Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?

[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!

Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.

Me: I’m braver than any marine.

Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?

Me: Any, uh, marine animal.

Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?

Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.

7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”