Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.

“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.

Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.

Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.

throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..

inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome

inventor of vests: disagree

inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them

Do one thing every day that scares people.

“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time

My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife

scarecrow: i need a brain!

tin man: i need a heart!

me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item

dorothy: again, he’s not with us

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.

[trust fall exercise at work]

CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!

M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.

My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.

It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.

My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.

wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant

I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition

my one true gender

Follow me for more fitness tips.

88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.

When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”

It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.

– playing “Is it cake? –

Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”

What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny

A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?

[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’

Him: I can’t sleep

Me: try counting sheep

Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?

Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?

A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.