*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
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*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
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