*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
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I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.