*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
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Spring of Deception
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.
I hope they don’t ban TikTok because it’s the only thing keeping my wife awake when we watch Netflix.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
The fall of Netflix
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
you wanna pause your show on peacock? you’re starting the episode over. you wanna skip ahead? you’re starting the episode over. you want closed captions? you’re watching below deck.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.