*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
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The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.