*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
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everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that