*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
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Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
whatcha thinkin bout
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…