Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!

H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.

M: I BROKE A NAIL!

[creation of trees]

god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves

tree: like a big coat?

god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off

tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job

Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

her: that lion is charging

me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add

her: ok it has my leg, now what

A comic by Dan Piraro

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out

I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.

Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.

My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80

(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family

“Where do babies comes from?”

Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.

*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one

[in the bedroom]

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: whoops my bad

HER: and in my eye

ME: sorry I can’t control it

HER: have you ever painted before

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.

I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?

When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.

Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom

Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time

I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.

Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.

Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.