Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.

MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?

CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.

ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail

Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..

Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!

If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.

Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*

My husband: why are you taking notes

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.

*sleeping*

Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE

HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window

Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!

I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN

coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making

If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy

Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.

One of the best

You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.

HER: my water broke

ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues

doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry

bigfoot: weird

Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.

I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]

I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.

Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.

But a little drama never hurts.

[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is