*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
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Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
💁🏻♂️
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Person: I really DO want your honest advice
Me: NO you don’t
P: I DO
Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out
P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero