Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.

My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—

[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine

Water isn’t for putting out wildfires. It’s for powering a machine that lets me hear what it would sound like if Cartman read my grandpa’s will

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.

Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”

Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory

Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit

i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

Therapist: So why are you guys here?

Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.

Him: This is our first date?

Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.

Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?

Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA

Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week

Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*

A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.

*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*

I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

12: You’re almost half a century old.

Me: Go to your room.

Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.

Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”

Give a baker flours on your first date.

That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.

[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me

I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs

My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.

My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.

Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Informant: why?

Me: for spilling the beans

Informant: I didn’t-

Me: shut your fern gully

Informant: what

Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy

Informant: ok now you’re making these up

Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur

Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.