*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
You Might Also Like
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?