buys donuts instead
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If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
#ParentingFacts
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
technically true but not a great slogan
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Nomnomnomnom
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only