buys donuts instead
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Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
4 year old: I had a nightmare
me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real
4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise
me: *terror rising within me* no way
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
3% human
97% stress
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4