buys donuts instead
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if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
this is the best day of my life
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
me after i passed that state trooper
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.