Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is fun because you can tweet about hashbrowns and someone will say you are responsible for genocide.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

Son: Dad can sand melt?

Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t

Date: so what’s your love language?

Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it

This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.

[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*

They did not think through this water fountain

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*

Mom: what was that?!

God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*

Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”

Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?

Wife: why do you ask?

Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.

Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.

Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.

knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health

science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes

kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?

Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold

Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…

Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

In marriage, there are two conversations:

The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.

Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.

“Let’s agree to disagree.”

TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.

Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.

Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.

I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t

Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.

Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it

Me: I’m not surprised

Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk

[reverse psychology résumé]

Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)