Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.

Fortune teller: Your love life will–

Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?

If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.

friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?

me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.

[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”

Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.

first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.

In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be

I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.

ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.

Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?

Me: Why would I do that?

D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]

Me: *winks at camera*

whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.

Eat…

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

Still laughing at this stupid meme

SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.

Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*

*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri

If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.

“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”