Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞

me: what makes you angry

pirate: when someone steals my p

[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?

This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10

Do not steal food from the science building!

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

[sunset]

Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

This is why I don’t delete Facebook

Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”

If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-

Why my cw hates me

Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.

If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.

My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.

Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.

If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.

If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.

I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…

Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.

They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9

As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.

Also the dumbest.

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped