*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
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[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭