Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.

it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy

genie: wishes should be limited

monkeys paw: and come with consequences

shooting star: don’t forget rare

birthday candle: yeah and secret

dandelion: ok you guys need to relax

There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.

ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff

My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.

Pilot: we’re gonna crash

Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count

Her: yeah?

Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*

Apparently, this is how the world ends.

we squint at the sun because it’s bright

we squint at people because they are not…

I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.

When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed

I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.

I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”

Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn

My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought

Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.

Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

Meow

Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.

Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.

ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok