Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.

If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.

Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.

She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis

Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase

Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product

A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.

We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.

I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.

Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

Homeschooling day 3

Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…

I could have been a monk but I missed my chants

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat

Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’

me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go