Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

The pointless tidy up before a play date.

Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*

wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?

Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.

Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*

i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced

If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs

once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them

My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.

Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated

Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…

Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.

I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

Leftovers are for quitters!

ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*

ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure

[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK

Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.

Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point

If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.

My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.

I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.

How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary

I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.