Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
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[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.