My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*hits wall outlet
*has amazing time being electrocuted
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A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status… After 3 it should default to “Unstable”
I’ve been called a lot of names but “designated driver” was never one of them.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
wanna feel old? this is eminem now:
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50