@bombsydoll

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*hits wall outlet
*has amazing time being electrocuted

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@MasonCrossBooks

My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…

@AliciaHawkes

A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.

@TequilaTears

Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status… After 3 it should default to “Unstable”

@osigat

I’ve been called a lot of names but “designated driver” was never one of them.

@TheRolo

Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-

Romeo: LIFE

Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?

@Holy_Mowgli

peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*

@PleaseBeGneiss

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*

@215potter

My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.

@abbycohenwl

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50