Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.

[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne

The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day

Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?

Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*

Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.

Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.

A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.

Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.

*winks with both eyes*

According to some “experts” called “doctors”…

You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.

Whatever.

He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on

[prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”

Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

*pronounces “naked” like “baked”

My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.

Not messing around

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?

“I have toddler-like reflexes.”

“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”

*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*

“No.”

Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.

Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world

Ash: i’m a kid

Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you

Ash: that sounds dangerous

Oak: keep it caged in a ball

Ash: kinda harsh

Oak: catch’em all

Ash: you okay bro

Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS

Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me