Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow

My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.

I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.

I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body

It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.

You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.

My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.

[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..

*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”

When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants

Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.

my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game

I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.

Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.

7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*

ME: You see, I’m playing both sides

FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake

Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.

Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.

It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.

Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow

My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now

devil: done! wait, what the h-

me: no takebacksies

devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit

[trying to unhook a bra]

*kung fu noises*