Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano

king: how would that hel—

advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what

Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?

Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning

TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

(Adobe CEO’s house)

Like the new couch hun?

Update it.

What about the wallpap…

UPDATE IT ALL.

You’re scaring the ki…

UPDATE THEM TOO…

If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.

BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat

ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*

BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?

Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.

A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear

Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.

“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers

Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.

Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers

“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman

Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop

Son: Why

[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]

Me: He’s a racist

good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:
Oh.

broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him

Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.