the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
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Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Happy Friday
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”