Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: so tell me your strengths

Me: conducting interviews

Interviewer: *narrows eyes*

Me: so tell me your weaknesses

Interviewer: *starts sweating*

When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?

Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant

I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.

ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness

STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no

My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.

Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back

My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?

Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:

My husband got me flowers!

I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework

I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry

I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign

Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!

Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*

ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.

HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

NEW YEAR’S LOGIC

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo

my date last night:

– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his ex

dating is fun, you guys

#katesdates

What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?

Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand

Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?

Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.

We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

I would describe my personal style as whatever is on top of the pile of clothes on the floor

My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…

All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…

8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you

Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be

If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first