Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark

2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

What makes us human?

Selecting all images with traffic lights

if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.

Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher

I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.

my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily

Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early

Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes

When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.

Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?

I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.

A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area

I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.

Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.

Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.