Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.

Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.

Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear

my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?

Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese

On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂

Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body

Disciples: ooh

Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood

Disciples: ahh

Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me

Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.

My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me

Table for six please?

“Is your party coming soon or?”

[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats

Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?

Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*

Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught

Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics

He just like my cat fr

Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts

Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server

Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend