Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.

Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.

Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do

*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*

All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.

No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.

listen closely

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1230539320718692352/pu/vid/1280x720/2dzkYbf8qEJkVW7G.mp4?tag=10

Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

[dinner time]

me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?

kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make

therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?

me: im not sure

therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?

me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?

therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.

the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.

Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?

Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.

it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed

Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.

If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.

I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.

[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*

My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.

I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”

hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes