Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat

Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.

You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!

Cop –

So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you

*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*

*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What

Chemical wingman

Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.

me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam

13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?

Me: ok Socrates time for bed

Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.

Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.

What’s so funny?

[courtroom]

me: good morning, Judge McDonald

Judge: you will address the court properly

Me:

Judge: or be found in contempt

Me: Good morning, Your Ronald

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.

I need to sieze this.

Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA

son: can I borrow your tie for my interview

dad: my what

son: I need a tie

dad: one more time

son: *sighs* your business necklace

Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes

My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.

literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared

“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower

Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.

Me: was your son fed?

Wife: yes.

Me: bathed?

Wife: yes.

Me: in bed on time?

Wife: yes.

Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?

Wife: his pajamas.

Me: what about them?

Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.