[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
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Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.