Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…

Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…

It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.

There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”

What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?

I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.

“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.

If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.

I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*

People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?

Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word

Me: Hired

Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??

I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.

“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.

You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds

During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.

Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore

The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.

[Jurassic Park]

JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!

ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island

JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs

Two-word love stories:

Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea

Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that

Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.