Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+

Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.

But with a hell of a lot more swearing.

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?

I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

[last day of creative writing class]

“are u ready to name ur band?”

Dave Matthews: u bet i am

Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.

Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.

Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.

When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…

$85

When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…

Priceless.

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

cat vs inanimate object

I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.

It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.

me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin

It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”

If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.

[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you

[Ninja Dojo]

Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?

Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?

imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.