*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
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[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.