*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
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[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
“you recording!?”
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
*Inspirational Tweets*
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Replace all HR departments with fight clubs
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.