*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
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I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes
Whoops
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Try and stop me.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.