Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO

Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again

The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice

I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?

TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.

Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!

As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.

Bae: Come over

Me: Do you have food??

Bae: My parents aren’t home

Me: Are they coming back with food??

Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”

My wife and I were leaving for our night out.

Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao

Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”

Person: “Converse.”

Me: “We’re already talking.”

Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.

Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.

Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails

Me: sounds good

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

[army training]

Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed

Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.

Me: I told him he would look good in it.

They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.

I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!

What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?

My biggest problem?

Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”

Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”

Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.