*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
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good for her
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Simple
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant