*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
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One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
thinking about a very short hotdog
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…