*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
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I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
They also CAN sing✌️
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Roses are red, you always mattered,
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!