*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
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Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Hm.
No kidding?
HUH.
Really?
Wow, I did not know that.– me, reading my daughter’s Driver’s Ed textbook
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol