*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
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I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”