*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
You Might Also Like
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.