*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
You Might Also Like
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.