Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.

Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

As we are leaving the car wash, passing the self-service bays, 6yo says, “oohh that’s how poor people wash their cars” and now I have to teach her a lesson and make her do all our laundry in the creek.

*flirting with a guy at work*

Soooooo, what do you do for a living?

Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?

My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.

He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”

Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.

*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*

hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?

love you

ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??

Love you, dont worry about me

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this

A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent

Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted

Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!

Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.

Me: why? What do you mean?

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti

[dollar store]

“how much for your finest dollar?”

absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans

Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?

Me: Yep.

D: But how can you be so sure of that?

M: I’ve seen them in museums

D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.

[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes

[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.

Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!

2020: Nope.

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?

me: hell yeah

girl: how about your address?

me: oh for sure, come by

girl: and your mother’s maiden name?

me: wait what