Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks

GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!

ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something

sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me

To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.

trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

Moves shopping cart to allow car to park

Lady doesn’t even say thanks

Puts cart back behind her car

Leaves.

I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.

I call it the “escanow.”

Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE

Me: *opens door*

Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka

Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money

HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century

Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan

“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”

[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.

I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.

The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs

Judge: And that you killed a man

Me: put a gun against his head

Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead

Judge: mama

Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?

Good times.

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right

Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*

that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker

Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ

deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason

Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.

[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?